The things that motivated me for dance today:
the fact that my dad is paying for my classes and I would be wasting his money not going.
I wanna hot body.
I’ve always danced so I should do it.
Reasons not to go:
reasons why I wanted to go are pathetic.
Today I can’t seem to motivate myself. Perhaps it is because everything hurts me today because of conditioning yesterday. Perhaps it is that I have found myself realizing how little money I am making and how very unsuccessful that makes me feel. I actually made around the same amount of money last year that people who are on welfare make. Good thing I can laugh at that. Perhaps it is that I am not a huge fan of the classes I was going to be taking. Do I have to love every single teacher that I take class from? No. Am I being nit picky for not wanting to go just because I don’t enjoy todays teacher? Maybe. Perhaps it is that I don’t enjoy the process of feeling like I am forced to want something that maybe I only want because other people want it for me. #boom
I’ve been told my whole life that I have potential. SO much POTENTIAL. That always kinda hurt. Its like… you’re good enough to be good but your not quite getting it yet… (Enjoy the process… I know.. I’m trying) But am I wasting my time if I don’t choose to reach for that potential? Is it OKAY for me to want to dance because I love to move and I love to perform and I feel such incredible freedom when I am on stage? Is that okay? Or do I have to want the dream all the time. Is it really okay to be as good as I am and just be okay with paying to dance? Do I have to want to be a professional dancer who auditions her ass off and doesn’t even make it through the first cut and gets injured and gets no sleep for little or no money? I don’t have that drive. Not anymore at least.
Maybe I didn’t realize it until I saw a glimpse of what it actually means to be a professional this year through the eyes of my baby sister. She’s fought for it for her whole life too. Being a dreamer right beside me. But somewhere along the line my purpose was redefined. That was when I found Jesus and was never the same. I didn’t need a dance dream to fulfill me. I was already fulfilled. But I still needed to continue to move forward with my life so I decided to tag alongside her still passionate dream. I moved to Vancouver to pursue the career of a professional dancer with her. With the most supportive parents in the entire world it seemed like I couldn’t fail. I DID audition in my first year. I auditioned for everything I heard about… I did try.. for a while. As soon as I didn’t make it into source 11 and she did… I figured maybe I was meant to do something else with my time. I still had an anxiety disorder. Its a miracle that I was even able to move here. I was still afraid to be alive. So I spent a year basically relearning how to live. Learning how to be “human” and not just a dancer. I was so fascinated by the church. I decided to intern there. I was basically in my church 24/7. I lost a lot of muscle. I rarely saw my sister. I was never around anyone who swore, anyone who drank, anyone who did anything normal people do. I was in a “safe” little church bubble. I grew in a way most people might not ever get to grow in their lifetime, and for that I am so thankful.
The transition back into the real world left me quite misguided. I actually didn’t know what to do with myself. I was free. I no longer had anxiety. But a lingering fear told me that I wouldn’t be able to dance again… and that made me spiritually angry. So I decided I needed to dance again. I needed to prove to myself that fear had no hold on my life. It wasn’t going to stop anymore. So I joined scholarship dance program last minute and forced myself through the whole year to prove to myself that I could still dance. Sometimes you have to do things even when you’re still afraid. I was highly motivated by the fact that I would get a solo in the year end show… and an opportunity to “compete” for the best solo. In my mind I won when my director put me first in the show and told me personally that she wanted my solo to be the whole show and she didn’t want it to end. So HA to anxiety. There I was. Able to dance. And feeling like I could conquer anything. I really could be a professional dancer if I wanted. I mean Moses came up to me at the year end show and just stared at me speechless for a while. Moses. Impressed… speechless…. with me? Shit girl… you got it goin on!
This year I thought for sure was my time. I thought, alright, well if I am going to be a professional now is FINALLY my chance. And when I was offered a spot in the training program I really questioned myself all over again. It didn’t help that I saw my little sister living the success I thought I wanted… I slowly started to realize exactly that: I thought I wanted it. It hurt though. Perhaps you thought wrong, Katie. Perhaps the dream you’ve chased your whole life is just a little off. So I ask myself… what do you see with your eyes open? Well today. I see no motivation to train my sore body. Today I see a near empty bank account. Today I see a desire to finish the year for the love of performing at the end of it. Today I see a whole lot of rain and no rain boots to brave it. Maybe its the training. Maybe its my pathetic attitude just really wanting to perform along all this training. Why do I feel like training is all that I have ever done?
Its March. Growing up this was the craziest time ever. Getting ready for dance festival was the most stressful fun I ever had. I was so motivated because I was so competitive. Whether I won or not I knew that I would go into it giving it my all or there was no point in competing. This season I choreographed one single solo for festival. And she messaged me on sunday and told me that she got first in her solo in her first festival of the year, and I felt in that moment like I was LIVING vicariously through her even though I was just sitting staring at my computer screen teary eyed. I felt so much emotion. I remembered the fight I use to have. The I-will-do-anything-to-win attitude. The physical battle and the internal battle it took to be a competitive dancer. and I MISSED IT. so much.
I miss creating with a purpose. That’s what motivates me in dance. I think so at least. I miss winning. I miss dancing with a team rather than with a bunch of soloists. I don’t wanna fight for attention. I wanna be a company or I wanna be a soloist but right now I am in a company so I am trying my best to work with a crew of misfits that probably each has just as crazy if not more crazy thoughts than I have. This is my life. Healed from an eating disorder. Healed from anxiety. Changed completely by Jesus. Still dancing and so curious to see where I’ll go, and why I am doing this (cuz you usually only find out after).
So what do I see with my eyes closed? I see myself not as the dancer. I see myself as the idea behind something bigger than myself. I see myself behind the scenes of something beautiful onstage. I see myself a creator. I see myself watching my own work come to life. But. In this season I am simply and honourably the dancer. So I will embrace that role while it is still mine to embrace, motivated or not.